The following are things I don’t dig about the supermodel’s Cali abode.

1. The Fabulous Fount is not so. The cement courtyard is drab and dull. The hard, chilly space reminds me of an outdoor wedding area at a Courtyard By Marriott. Also, the circular drive is an inefficient shape in which to stow a vehicle.  Parallel parking on an arc is a motherfucker.  A big, Crabby “thumbs down” for this dreary respite.

2.  I don’t know who named this “Gothic Grandeur” but why would that be something anyone wanted? BTW, this dark-wooded and posh-to-the point-of-stuffy sitting chamber looks like a fancy perfume department in a big box store. Klum’s room is doom. Gothic Granduer = #Fail

Where oh where would I stash my beloved bong, BTW?

Furthermore, there is a nothing “grand” about goth. I have a friend who considers himself a “goth.” Dude is a total sad-sack that smells of Drakkar and cheap white foundation. Guy-liner must be applied constantly.

3. Who wants a stupid secret garden anyway? I’m not spending 12 million on a home and then have a backyard with a labyrinth of hedges in which I could wander piss drunk and never return. If not this Jack Nicholson nightmare, why not a corn maze? I hope Heidi never has to say, “The last time I saw Seal was during last year’s Easter Egg hunt.” The Secret Garden is a wanker.

4. I just couldn’t drop a delicious deuce properly anywhere in the room below. Not even into the Roman toilet! Why oh why would a human want a bathroom “Italian style?” I have been to the boot and it’s a beautiful country. The people are entertaining as hell running around like Animaniacs waving their arms all the while medieval torture devices dangle from bignè smelling necks. That being said, no one does crapping like Murica – certainly not the Italians. The Klum-crapper is mos def no hero.

5. The Palatial Pools blow big-time.  Don’t get wrong. I would love to lounge a Sunday morning hangover away on those lush layers of what would have to be the downiest of goose feathers in the history of god. However, infinity pools totally freak me out. What if I am sleeping off a couple of white Russians and my floaty device goes over the side of my personal-size man-made lake and down into the Canyon Of Brentwood? What then? That cement-bottom-pond is a one-way ticket to shitting in a bag for evuh and evuh.

And…here’s another scary monster –

[AMAZONPRODUCTS asin=”0226595668″ desc=1]

The post 5 Things I Hate About Heidi Klum’s New House appeared first on CrabDiving.

BTW, social media is conducting a shame-campaign directed at this white-top-less-air-traveler dude.

Why can’t #Murica exist in their personal space without being smelly, ridiculously loud or a general irritant? It’s shocking to this commie, pinko, hippy, lib-stoner that most humans are not able to just sit in their over-priced tiny seat-let, stare forward and pray to a sky-god of choice while waiting for the drugs to kick in.

Not that anyone is looking to me for guidance, but when I flew last, I had a great experience due to the fact that I feasted on a marijuana muffin the size of my head prior to lift-off.

BTW, this is the horrible future of flying:

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I present to you the trailer to a movie which is a mulligan of a 2000 straight to vid flick which is an adaptation of a xenophobic series of books. BTW, we discussed the new Left Behind at length on CrabNation Live on VOCNation.com.

After watching the Left Behind trailer and seeing clips of The Cage sort of care about pretending to be Rayford Steele, Jesus-warrior-hero-dude, you just assume an actor of Nic’s IMDB caliber takes a part in a film that’s a remake of a Kirk Cameron star vehicle to pay for shit like a stuffed Tasmanian Tiger.

I just found a Yahoo article from March 2013 that lists some Nicholas Cage must-have purchases. Here’s some of the The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans star’s dopest and/or doppiest buys:

Pyramid Shaped Super-Tomb AKA an eternal Cage for The Cage

Here’s one of his trendy castles –

The Island Of Nicholas, just down the way from Mr. Depp’s modest tropical paradise.

The thespian also owns a white cobra, which I mentioned earlier, along with some shrunken heads cuz fuck it, why not?

The post Left Behind Star Nicholas Cage Owns A White Cobra appeared first on CrabDiving.

Here’s the clip:

Before we start discussing this list, let me just clarify that I am using creative licence by adding the phrase “as long as you’re white.”  Those are not the words of Parade Magazine.  However, seven of the ten most cordial metropolitan hamlets listed by Parade are indeed Southern and I’m just saying that a Caucasian fellow wandering the streets of Charleston, South Carolina might get profiled and shot to death less due to the fact that there are a shitload of bigots on that side of the Mason Dixon.

Check out the top 10 friendliest cities in America per Parade:

1. Charleston, South Carolina

2. Savannah, Georgia

3. San Antonio, Texas

4. Telluride, Colorado

5. New Orleans, Louisiana

6. Fort Worth, Texas

7. Jackson Hole, Wyoming

8. Nashville, Tennessee

9. Key West, Florida

10. Asheville, North Carolina

Parade also lists the 10 least friendly cities:

1. Newark, New Jersey

2. Oakland, California

3. Hartford, Connecticut

4. Atlantic City, New Jersey

5. New Haven, Connecticut

6. Detroit, Michigan

7. Los Angeles, California

8. The Hamptons, New York

9. Wilmington, Delaware

10. Miami, Florida

The post Top Ten Friendliest Cities In America As Long As You’re White appeared first on CrabDiving.

The Man Of War got me while I was wading out to a sandbar. For those of you from the Midwest, step away from the Old Country Buffet spiral ham station for a sec and allow me to explain the ocean.

A sandbar, as defined by Wiki-stupid, is not a an establishment where plastic swords and or umbrellas are stuck into the top of a tasty blended, fruity beverage.

A shoal or sandbar is “a characteristically linear land form completely within or extending into a body of water.” It’s where barracuda and jellyfish cruise for pear-shaped, pink-skinned yummy tourists.

Not that anyone reading this should give 2 shits about my pain, but as I was screaming my idiotic 12 year old head off, my Dad carried me back to the beach, where the rednecks, some tanning with Crisco, probably thought I had been bitten by a shark or gnawed upon by a mutant grouper.

I’m sure the bored, mouth-breathing white trash were a little bummed that had I survived the attack and wasn’t totally fucked up.

I thought about that horrific trip to the beach when I saw a recent article in Sploid about jellyfish. They included this mushroom-y National Geographic video in the post.

The post That Time I Didn’t Get Urinated On #Florida appeared first on CrabDiving.

I found an article on Rocket News 24 describing in detail what a Denny’s is like in Japan. This is interesting to me since I often go to a Denny’s in Koreatown. I’m usually there with other wasted comics in the wee shitty, drunk hours of the morning. Typically, I order a very dry $5 hamburger in the hopes that the communion-wafer-like-beef will sop up the cheap booze burbling about my liver.

Blah, blah, blah…here’s some Pics of Denny’s Eastern style-

Here’s a Pikachu pancake. You can’t get those in ‘Murica.

I don’t know if my hammered ass would be on board with “creamy eggs omurice,” which costs 833 yen ($8.14). 

Lots of Hawaiian dishes on the menu, I reckon.

This isn’t a completely evolved opinion but I think my snockered self might not be able to stomach this shit.  What’s floating in that one dish?

The post Pikachu Pancake Available Now At Denny’s Japan appeared first on CrabDiving.

Relax. I’m fucking with you Ted. I’m like a Phaton 7 Atheist.

Where I come from, Jesus-Toast would’ve been baptized with Miracle Whip. Then smothered with a thick slab of ham that also probably looked like a face.

Or instead of sweet, pink swine, some redneck would have laid a robust brown banana of significant girth on top of the mayonnaise glazed savior-bread-face for an oh so delicious Southern delicacy.

Here’s more Jesus in food.

Vitamin JC –

Kit Kat Jesus –

NOT FOOD!

The post I See Sh*t In Food #YummyYahweh appeared first on CrabDiving.

CrabDiving Shitter:

These white trash parking lot malls have everything from “Jailhouse Rock” Elvis all the way to “Fat Hawaiian Elvis” (which is what I prefer).  I will never forget when my Dad mentioned to my Mother that he wouldn’t mind having a Velvet Elvis in the living room. To which my Mom responded through clenched teeth, “I will divorce you if you ever mention that again.” My Mother was kidding, BTW.

Here’s some of my favorite Velvet Elvis art pieces I found on Al Gore’s internet.

Somebody really botched the face on this one –

For you science deniers who also happen to be Elvis fans –

Two kings! Great poker hand –

MUST HAVE!!!

Elvis and Gladys pieta on black velvet –

The post Velvet Elvis Round-Up appeared first on CrabDiving.

If we were on Mystery Science Theatre:

@ViallExperience -They would never shoot it like that now.

@RatedRComedy – Why?

@ViallExperince – Cuz audiences are too fucking stupid.

Click on the picture to watch the scene –

My favorite part is when the trio lands in front of the defaced “Amity Island Welcomes You” sign and Richard fucking Dreyfuss turns his back to the camera and performs what I would refer to as a “flamboyantly dramatic cross” to the billboard.

We ended up in a Jaws coma because it was referenced in the effete, liberal HuffPo. The article is about how tourism is getting a boost in Cape Cod due to recent shark sightings. I guess stores in the beach community are selling shit-loads of shark-themed merch.

One time, at a K-Mart in Panama City Beach, Florida, my Grandmother bought me a rubber shark that would shoot water out of his mouth. Who knew Great Whites were squirters? #IWillBeHereAllWeek

The post Best Scene From Jaws appeared first on CrabDiving.

However, this one ain’t unfunny either.

The sign below is full-on U.K. whimsy!

What??? I just found these surfing around Google Images

Of course, my favorite…

I don’t know the blokes posing next to these but how great is Butt Hole Road?

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