CRABNATION SHOW ARCHIVES
APRIL 2014
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CrabNation April 2014:
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 – CrabNation goes full “Weather Channel” with live coverage of the Florida floods. We also tear through the following stories: despite 60% of the country wanting the minimum wage increased, the Republicans say “nada”; evil jerk-off Brian Fisher doesn’t think water-boarding is genuine torture; good ole Oklahoma botches an execution and tortures a prisoner to death. Finally, RIP Bob Hoskins. You were an awesome actor.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014 – On this episode, CrabNation covers these headlines: Donald Sterling is banned, baby; a “Yosemite Sam” type scares a bunch of kids with a big gun cuz Georgia lawmakers allow for that type of insanity; also in the peach state, dude goes all “Rambo” at a FedEx station and wounds a bunch of innocent bystanders; Republicans running for Senate in Iowa want all “biblical judges” #creepy; finally, sorry Malibu there’s a huge drought and you can’t water the topiaries lining your mansions #sacrifice.
Friday, April 25, 2014 – The Crabs cover the following headlines on this “Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster it’s Friday” episode: Cliven Bundy’s son is just as stupid; two GOP dudes say something totally crappy/ Republican about women; Buffalo Bills cheerleaders, AKA “the Jills”, are paid about $2 per hour; the mellifluous, ex-presidential candidate, Alan Keyes absolves Cliven Bundy of his racism; Trivia With Budds is all about beer. Plus, courtesy of OOTP Developments, we give away a copy of the virtual baseball management game, “Out of the Park Baseball”.
Thursday, April 24, 2014 – On this episode, CrabNation gets a firsthand account of a typical Bryan Singer style hot tub shin-dig. The Crabs also boil down the following headlines: Cliven Bundy shares his racist reasoning with ‘Murica; Bieber loses his lean and his mind as he mocks a shrine on Instagram; UK Prime Minister declares Britain a “Christian nation”; public schools marginalize students for not wanting to be “under god”; Buddha tat makes a tourist scat.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014 – CrabNation covers the following on this episode: Georgia is locked and loaded with idiots; the oldest former Major League Baseball player dies; Gordon Klingenschmitt believes that the Employment Non-Discrimination Act will persecute Christians – LOL; Glenn Beck, AKA “The Great Ham Head” is butt-hurt that Governor Romney never thanked him for a very precious gift; Pat Robertson muses over the female libido.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014 – On this episode, the Crabs rage over the following headlines: Murica’s middle class ain’t all that; Bieber will not be deported #buzzkill; Missouri Mayor who agrees with neo-Nazi killer about Jews resigned; the Gulf Of Mexico is still an oily mess; rub-a-dub-dub looks like there were three more Hollywood types in Brian Singer’s tub. Lastly, CrabNation learns all about the awesome, virtual baseball management game, “ Out of the Park Baseball”.
Monday, April 21, 2014 – It’s Monday, baby and the Crabs cover the following stories: Big energy has big stiffies over the crisis in Ukraine; scary poll reveals lots of Americans aren’t sure about the Earth’s age or evolution – sound the alarm bells; kid survives trip to Hawaii in the wheel well of a plane; there could be an atheist lurking in the state government of South Carolina. Finally, Kelly calls in with a Coachella wrap up.
Friday, April 18, 2014 – On this “Good Friday” edition of CrabNation, Pat compares right wing nut jobs to horrific anal warts. The Crabs also cover these headlines: Fox News defends the big J.C. against the likes of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams; according to stupid Steve Malzberg, Madam Secretary has her granny panties in a wad; Alaska Republicans get their “creepy on” when they declare breastfeeding both smart and sexy. We also learn about Velcro, Play-Doh and popsicles courtesy of trivia master, Ryan Budds.
Thursday, April 17, 2014 – OMG cockroaches are raining down into my sushi! Snakes have taken control of Kyrgyzstan! Don’t let a bee sting your ween! We follow up that extended “When Animals Get Pissed” segment with the following: Uncle Nipples is LIVE from “New Russia”; Michigan Mayor doesn’t want his party ruined by a bunch of rude, insulting atheists; Portlandia…more like Pee-landia; President Carter isn’t into laying pipe. Finally, a warning, take a deep breath before jumping into the Jacuzzi with Bryan Singer.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014 – CrabNation throws Wednesday their best hump with the following: free-balling zones open up in Munich; God’s credit rating ain’t so heavenly; school bans a couple of morons for wearing a stars and bars muu-muu; Miley Cyrus hospitalized; for the cost of a bottle of Cristal, you can own a mansion in Detroit. Lastly, Hobby Lobby, the store that peddles glue and construction paper, is creating Christ-like curriculum for high school students. Call 911!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014 – Today’s CrabNation includes the following stories: Cheese-heads might wanna form their own country; the United States isn’t in the top ten smartest nations by I.Q.; the Japanese are gonna slaughter whales anyway; geo centrists are for real; more Ukraine shenanigans courtesy of Uncle Nipples.
Monday, April 14, 2014 – Despite John Hagee’s apocalyptic “Blood Moon” threat, the Crabs decide to go forward on this blue Monday with the following crap: Rick Perry gets his way or else; former Supreme Court Justice wants the Second Amendment edited in a “good way”; the freshly divorced Cesar Milan wants to stop pit-bull genocide; Yellow Fever is burning up Northern California; a kayaker in Maryland is shot sniper-style; Saudi Arabia is looking for a little MERS mercy. Finally, the Crabs learn the Bundy Ranch ain’t nearly as fun as the Bunny Ranch.
Friday, April 11, 2014 – CrabNation kicks off the weekend with the following news stories: LA cops gun down a hostage; some jerk-off wants to cut two innings off of America’s favorite pastime; country music is more popular than pop in ‘Murica; science-types at Harvard think they have discovered the marriage license of J.C.; the dudes in white lab coats have figured out how to grow a vagina “Little Shop Of Horrors” style. Finally, on the weekly trivia segment, the Crabs crack a few eggs.
Thursday, April 10, 2014 – The Crabs sink their claws into the following headlines: Senator Barbara Mikulski explains to Congress why she’s “so emotional” about equal pay for women; Heartbleed is real, baby; Paul LePage will not accept the Medicaid expansion even over the dead bodies of his constituents; as Rick Scott suckles upon a Koch brother teat, a mother of three dies; Mississippi sex ed program ensures a whole generation are total squares in the sack; France, aka, “Home Of the Freedom Fries”, bans work emailing after 6pm. Finally, the Crabs lightly touch upon Japan’s Penis Festival.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014 – On this episode of CrabNation, we cover the following: conservatives aren’t really into the whole “equal pay for women” deal; RWNJ, Rick Wiles is terrified of an army of “Super Gay Male Soldiers”; shocker alert – hockey game between the FDNY and NYPD degenerates into a massive brawl. Lastly, life begins at squirt according to conservative jerk-off, Gordon Klingenschmidt.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014 – Pat and Ryan cover the following stories on this installment of CrabNation: spring break riot breaks out in Santa Barbara; Rand Paul bashes former Vice President and current Sith Lord, Dick Cheney; multitasking, masturbating yogi tosses off some carrion; Hitler may have married a Jew #jokesonyou; shocker alert – Republicans come out on the wrong side of “equal pay”; Al Sharpton may have flipped over a kilo nose candy; the CIA printed and secretly distributed copies of Dr. Zhivago in the Soviet Union way back when. Finally, the Crabs remind the planet to never ever cast aspersions upon Louis Gohmert’s asparagus.
Monday, April 7, 2104 – On this Monday edition of CrabNation, Pat and Ryan play some ridic clips of Former President Bush (43) explaining his evolution as a “draw-er of feet” to daughter Jenna on the Today Show – puke. Plus these stories: CIA torture files should be declassified; David Wildstein is about to belly-flip all over corpulent compadre Christie; “family values” champion RWNJ is busted diddling the help; searchers for the lost Malaysian jet have pinged a black box; Paula Dean lube-lessly skewers some loyal employees. Finally, a big, thick Crabby salute to Mickey Rooney. R.I.P.
Friday, April 4, 2014 – CrabNation busts out the following stories on their official 5 o’clock whistle broadcast: RWNJ throws down against Mozilla for ousting their homophobic CEO; Madonna’s costly bra gets five-fingered; shocker alert – New York sports broadcaster and consummate meat-head, Boomer Esiason says something incredibly stupid; Glenn Beck claims over 41 million morons read the Blaze every month. Finally, the Crabs get schooled on WrestleMania during the Friday Trivia segment.
Thursday, April 3, 2014 – It’s a “very special” edition of CrabNation featuring an extended “When Animals Get Pissed” segment, aside from learning why you shouldn’t ever swim in Australia, we cover the following: the horrific shooting in Fort Hood; the U.S. is taking over Cuba via “fake Twitter”; Ebola is back, baby; a giant rat terrorizes Sweden; RWNJ decides to allow the woolly mammoth to be the State Fossil of South Carolina despite Jesus; the Holy Grail was discovered in Spain disproving the third Indiana Jones movie; Bieber booed; Glenn Beck freaks out. Finally, SCOTUS…more like SCROTUS.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014 – Pat and Ryan burn through the following headlines on this hump-day episode of CrabNation: the woolly mammoth, AKA the State Fossil of South Carolina, was created by god on the 6th day FYI; a juror considers the role of Satan in a murder trial; Louie Gohmert is a dullard; commercial air travel is totally disgusting and horrible according to a recent study. Lastly, pour some whiskey, roll a fatty and kiss your liberal booty goodbye as we all get sucked into a horrible apocalyptic “ring of fire” starfish.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014 – On this episode of CrabNation, Pat and Ryan discuss the possibility that Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld actually tool around on a Star Destroyer. The Crabs also cover these news stories: Paul Ryan’s budget totally blows if you’re poor; not everyone in Alaska digs Sarah Palin; Pat’s team, the Badgers, are in the Final Four; Darth Vader declares his intent to run for President of Ukraine; America’s favorite pastime is already putting the new “instant replay” rule to work; give it up for more Wall Street shenanigans. For the first time in ten years, the United States had a month with zero combat deaths.