CRABNATION SHOW ARCHIVES
JUNE 2014
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CrabNation June 2014:
Monday, June 30, 2014 – The Crabs welcome Monday with these headlines: the boys of SCOTUS side with Hobby Lobby on the war on women; even the GOP in Colorado think potato-faced Gordon Klingenschmitt is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs; Super Fades Barber Shop in Florida is super fun after dark; an escape chute accidentally deploys in the passenger cabin mid-flight #changeofunderwear; man’s best friend pukes out a symbol of life long monogamy #Tucker. Finally, only because the swimming man-eater was “cute”, we avoided a “When Animals Pissed Segment.”
Friday, June 27,2014 – On the CrabNation Friday show, Pat and Ryan tear through the following stories: Lunatic RWNJ Bryan Fischer can’t comprehend why no one is on-board with “anti-gay common sense”; we got five years to save the oceans or no more fish sticks; lions, and mostly tigers, and bears OH MY; AZ is running out of tinfoil for all the chem-trail loonies that need hats #Benghazi; Shia LaBeouf is a violent, drunk, douche-y monster #beentheredonethat; Ebola is looking forward to feasting on corn-fed, Midwestern flesh. Finally, Pat and Ryan square off in “Trivia W/ Budds.”
Thursday, June 26, 2014 – The Crabs cover the following stories on today’s show: Ann Coulter emerges from the underside of a rock and proclaims that soccer is making us gay #Benghazi; the NRA wants to arm stalkers; Glenn Beck is so peeved at the the Republican Party, he is forced to squeeze off a few rounds at the studio gun range #JackBauer; CrabNation awards Gary Oldman his first unofficial Academy Award for his moderately sincere apology; a KKK Grand Dragon was fired from his neighborhood watch gig for his religious belief that blacks are inferior to whites; some dude’s home is blown away due to a Howitzer hiccup #murica
Wednesday, June 25, 2014 – Wednesday’s episode includes these tales from #Murica: Utah and Indiana are forced to give a big thumbs up to gay marriage; Mississippi bestiality fan Thad Cochran defeats Tea Party douche; Match.com marries Mensa so you can; no one has the balls to work at Ashley Madison H.Q. in Ireland; Luis Suarez may be booted for biting; Tennessee collegiate footballer wants his rape case tossed because his unconscious victim would’ve been into it anyway had she been awake #disgusting. Finally, you might not be able to breathe in China but you can certainly take a load off.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014 – CrabNation jumps claws first into the deep end as we learn about sharks, oil-drunk fish and Japanese whaling. We also cover these headlines: a babysitter’s staged home invasion is foiled by a four year old kid; a church in Arkansas is pegged as Pagan and shut down #murica; RWNJ dullard Ralph Reed compares the anti-gay marriage movement to the anti-slavery movement #WTF; there’s no biting in Soccer unless that’s your thing; some Mexicans are rushed to the hospital for an emergency exorcism. Lastly, say you’re a language arts teacher in Missouri that wants to earn a lil’ extra money, the state will train you to be your school’s resident “Jack Bauer.”
Monday, June 23, 2014 – CrabNation punches a one way ticket to RWNJ-ville aboard a Death Train full of sleeper-cell, gang-banging Mexican children. Plus we cover the following: Nigerian fishermen say “homie don’t play that” to Shell Oil regarding a tiny, ridic settlement; Christian DJ spins tunes and teens #gotojail; P.A. Health Department is trying to keep pollution related illnesses on D.L.: April O’Connor, CrabNation’s official Canna-spondent, calls in and schools us on the buds and the bees #Beeghazi; a horrible study tells us that paper toilet seat covers do jack for germs; the Crabs award an AZ lawmaker a foil hat for her concern about chem-trails. Finally, the Crabs caution listeners to be on the lookout for #sharks and giant lady-parts.
Friday, June 20, 2014 – CrabNation kicks off the weekend with these stories: conservatives continue to be terrified by Mexican kids; the Ebola outbreak in Africa is considered “out of control”; D.I.Y. circumcision kits are all the rage in Uganda; the CEO of a fracking company assures #murica that fracking is all good; Murray Energy is suing for their right to make the air crappy; the Crabs list some of the most conservative cities in the nation along with the most progressive; #FelonCrushFriday dude is mos def doing #duckface. Finally, during the Trivia w/ Budds segment, CrabNation is schooled with Saved By the Bell questions.
Thursday, June 19, 2014 – On this episode, the Crabs speculate over a very bad beaver, as well as the “Million Moron March For Marriage” plus these stories: Rick Perry said he “stepped in it” when he likened homosexuality to alcoholism #tapdance; war veteran mistakes his daughter for a burglar and kills her; mosquitoes in Cuba are carrying something called Chikungunya #FML; an Ohio bus driver claims a copy of “The Message” saved him from a bullet #fiction; Kansas decides it would be best if everyone showed up to the State House strapped; #Murica is sure those children pouring over the border from Mexico are disease-ridden; a meth-head’s hole is filled with gack and gats #resourceful. Finally, Pat and Ryan take a quiz to determine which American President they are most like. One scored “JFK” and the other, “Ulysses Grant.” Download the show to find out who got what.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014 – This Hump Day edition of CrabNation includes the following stories: Gordon Klingenschmitt goes biblically bananas; the love Germans have for beer could be the only force strong enough to stop fracking; as of today, Chuck Todd thinks Obama is over as a leader; racist Redskins lose the trademark of their name #lol; Ducky Dynasty nephew runs for Congress #murica; an old guy shoots a new Dad; an open-carry gun-nut snipes his pipe. Lastly, an elderly gentleman in Michigan is free to go on an armed patrol of his neighborhood as long he doesn’t brandish the skin bayonet.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 – On this day of our non-existent lord, CrabNaiton spews forth the following passages: Glenn Beck thinks the evildoers will descend upon us via jet-ski; “Muh Muh My Sharia” is Brian Fischer’s jam; a kid happened upon a mummified suicide victim while exploring an abandoned house #lucky; Fox News thinks the Benghazi suspect is suspect; Chelsea Clinton made $600,000/year at her NBC gig #dues; Ted Nugent is a professional crazy person; Floridian strolling with a baby tries to sell a cop outfitted in full uniform a bag of weed #Daddy; Homophobic dullard dandy, Rick Perry swings both ways on the gay issue #versatile.
Monday, June 16, 2014 – CrabNation kicks Monday squarely in the sack with the following stories: as President, Glenn Beck would offer no comfort to the beheaded; famed carpetbagger Alan Keyes makes a ridic robo-call in support of the very loony Gordon Klingenschmitt; the Supreme Court decided that it violates the Constitution to have a high school graduation in a church #shocker; bull penis is apparently fit for human consumption in the Republic of Texas #yummy; Pat Robertson says Bush lied to #Murica about the Iraq war; Muslim Reporter gets expected reception at the GOP Texas Convention. Finally, the Crabs would like offer a crabby salute to the batter that H.O.F. pitcher Greg Maddux never struck out, Tony Gwynn.
Friday, June 13, 2014 – On this very special, Friggatriskaidekaphobic edition of CrabNation, Pat and Ryan review the following stories: New Jersey will soon officially ban the banging of all animals #progressive; Senator Thad Cochran coyly suggests to an audience that everybody goes through a “bestiality phase” and is met with crickets; Pat Robertson tells a kid that is being terrorized by a gun wielding father to “tough it out”; little man in a boat is taken out by a monster gator; Fox “journalist” wouldn’t be surprised if those little Mexican children were actually gang members and or terrorists #jerk; CNN decides to really narrowly redefine the term “school shooting”; Iraq totally suxs; Chinese guy slips wang in pipe #fail. Finally, guys with guns at a gun range get robbed by other guys with guns #murica.
Thursday, June 12, 2014 – CrabNation Thursday focuses its liberal, angry Eye of Sauron upon the following headlines: most everybody in the Senate, excluding a few RWNJs, decided to work together to help veterans; congrats to the NRA on another death by gun; former President George Herbert Walker Bush skydives for his 90th birthdays #balls; Rick Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism #dummy; Halle Berry forks over $16,000 per month for child support; don’t look now but Iraq is going teats up. Finally, watch your back rich doctor and lawyer types, you’re being stripper-stalked.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014 – CrabNation celebrates the total and complete moron-i-tude of right wing America with the following stories: Eric Cantor is a tremendous loser; lovely Louie Gohmert reminds us that if you don’t believe in the Jesus dude, you will mos def burn in hell #bigtime; Indiana GOP RWNJ has the courage to watch the poor die; Tony Perkins uses Holocaust imagery to attack gay rights #classy; most people think they’re smarter than most people; Paula Deen launches her own stupid network; David Brat, beater of Cantor, believes another Hitler is just around the corner. Lastly, a Washington Nationals coach puts his faith in a banana and mayonnaise sandwich #whynot.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014 – CrabNation covers the following on today’s episode: there have been 74 school shootings since Sandy Hook and right wing America doesn’t care enough to do anything about it; St. Louis Archbishop admits that he didn’t always know that having sex with children was against the law; the Japanese can’t wait to start killing whales again; a white Iowa teacher would like a black student to refer to him as “master.” Finally, RWNJ lunatic Gordon Klingenschmitt wants the Scottish to stop mind raping their children and Alex Jones predicts the death toll of the next American Civil War.
Monday, June 9, 2014 – CrabNation douses Monday with flaming fracking water whilst covering the following: a devilish Democrat takes a dirty deal in Virginia; give it up for Ebola y’all #comeback; the right wing is terrified of Mexican children; a Mission Impossible-style jail break in Canada features a chopper; Rick Perry is no longer the belle of Texas’ big stupid ball; the Navy’s Blue Angels recently painted a penis so large on the top of their hangar, it could be seen from space. Finally, comedian Brent Parris calls in with a run-down on the 2014 Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade.
Friday, June 6, 2014 – CrabNation welcomes the weekend with these stories: Conservative Cathy Aaron Schock has no sympathy for Bowe Bergdahl #shocker; Obama gives the cold shoulder to a poopy Putin; please don’t leave your pistol in the toy department; Mississippi did something good; how ’bout that sick Sihk sword fight; congrats to the winners of “horniest girl” & “horniest stud” of Bellingham High; we learn during Trivia With Budds that the Crabs don’t know jack about hip hop; Finally, be sure to pick up a copy of the official Duck Dynasty Holy Bible.
Thursday, June 5, 2014 – On today’s show, the Crabs learn that U.S. broadband totally blows. Plus we cover the following: the NRA would rather you not refer to a dude that shoots up a school, etc. as a “shooter”; Tennessee must allow a mosque on the Lord’s precious land #murica; Shepard Smith is the voice of reason on Faux News #whoknew; Moms Demand Action is going after Target for allowing the open-carry jerk-offs to shop strapped. Finally, for tax purposes, everybody is a minister in the Church Of Compassionate Service #LOL.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014 – CrabNation celebrates the 40th anniversary of the infamous “10 Cent Beer” debacle at Cleveland’s Municipal Field. We also cover the following: Bill O’Reilly and Fox News are personally offended because of the POW’s Dad’s Muslim-like beard; Tea Party jerk-off in Mississippi forces a run-off; Alabama gun-nut is up in arms cuz he ain’t allowed to vote “strapped”; the coolness of Star Trek fans versus Star Wars fans is debated; in a “When Animals Get Pissed” segment, the hunter becomes the hunted. Finally, the Crabs mete out “The Texas Fish Slapping Incident.”
Tuesday, June 3, 2014 – On this episode, the Crabs cover these headlines: there’s some white racists running a cotton gin in Tennessee #shocker; Florida Judge and Public Defender take it outside; Alabama Bible school slaps a Hitler quote on a billboard; Bob Woodward laughs at Laura Ingraham’s Benghazi Tourettes; Pat Robertson finds climate change hilarious. Finally, an Alaskan jogger survives a bear mauling in a “When Animals Get Pissed” segment.
Monday, June 2, 2014 – CrabNation kicks off the week with the following headlines: Palin thinks Obama really “blew it” with the prisoner exchange; even the NRA thinks Open Carry Texas is too nuts; the President wants to clean up the environment and Republican heads are exploding. Plus, in an extended, very special “When Animals Get Pissed” segment, we learn to always listen to the little voice in your head that tells you not to get in that murky water. Also, if you’re a snake handler, Jesus freak or a thrice-crapping dog on a U.S. Airways flight, you could cost people their lives.