CRABNATION SHOW ARCHIVES
MARCH 2014
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CrabNation March 2014:
Monday, March 31, 2014 – It’s Monday y’all and CrabNation attacks the following news stories: the Huffington Post lists 23 reasons why Florida is awesome; Pat reads a college athlete’s sparsely punctuated, 148 word essay on the life of Rosa Parks in 35 seconds; dude gets sucked out to sea during a baptism “gone wrong”; infamous jerk-off, Coach Dave, holds a pro-Jesus rally for an audience of 12 – LOL; DuPont heir rapes his daughter and serves no jail time; the U.N. says, “sayonara” to Japanese whaling. Speaking of the United Nations, the world governmental body has proclaimed that we need to stop polluting the Earth like yesterday if there’s any hope for the human race. Fail.
Friday, March 28, 2014 – On this TGIF edition of CrabNation, Pat and Ryan throw back the last of the scotch and barrel through the following stories: Ebola is trending in Guinea and maybe Canada; Bill Maher should be flogged according to his loony detractors; Oklahoma Fox affiliate makes television moron-friendly; Pat Robertson has fabulously stupid musings about homosexuality. Plus, Gwyneth Paltrow is a tremendous douche.
Thursday, March 27, 2014 – Today on CrabNation we learn that Christian conservatives want equal time on the television program “Cosmos” – hilarious. We also cover this crap: based on Governor Chris Christie’s own investigation, the corpulent caretaker of Jersey is innocent; Florida wants to restrict media access to stand your ground cases; Massachusetts loony-lawmaker wants couples going through a divorce to get permission from a judge to hook-up with new partners; shocker alert – when you take care of the poor, it’s better for society. Lastly, we learn that Ryan’s home town of Pensacola, Florida made it on “America’s 10 Most Dangerous Small Cities” list.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014 – The Crabs bust out the following headlines in the special “When Animals Get Pissed” edition of CrabNation: Mantecore, eater of Roy, of Sigfried & Roy, exits stage left; sloth bears are slaying Indian residents; redneck fisherman hooks for a 2 hour ride with a shark; kite-boarder gets bitten by a sea dinosaur but still thinks Highway I-95 is scarier; somebody gets trampled by Dumbo. In sort of non-animal related news, stock up on your Febreze cuz Furry Weekend 2014 just happened.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014 – Today on CrabNation, Pat and Ryan congratulate Ted Nugent on being such a colossal a-hole a town in Texas will pay the Wang-Dang-Sweet-Poontang artist $16,000 to not show up. We also cover the following headlines: that Malaysian jet-liner is still missing; Mitt Romney is psychic; Mississippi and South Carolina won’t be able to host college hoops since they fly the Stars and Bars over their capital; senior Republican in Wisconsin is brave enough to speak out against voter suppression now that he’s retiring; Oprah’s studios are moving to West Hollywood; Alaska wants bar patrons to have zero pink lines before ordering a Mai Thais. Finally, a survey reveals that most men’s perfect day includes nearly 4 hours and 20 minutes of copulation.
Monday, March 24, 2014 – CrabNation covers these headlines: right wing nut-job, Todd Starnes finally meets his “crazy” match; Malaysian Air sends a text message to relatives of passengers on the missing jet; Chicago subway derails at one of the worst airports ever; a huge mudslide buries some of Washington; Ebola is all the rage in Guinea. And if those stories aren’t alarming enough, Mila Kunis is officially preggers from Punk’d spunk.
Friday, March 21, 2014 – The following stories are covered on this TGIF edition of CrabNation: cops in Hawaii are fighting for the right to bed down with prostitutes; a dog’s life is saved with a generous pour of vodka; Santorum shocks the world by saying he would’ve supported Arizona’s discrimination legislation; Sarah Palin is starting something call Rogue T.V. Finally, Pat names Vladimir Putin, “Uncle Nipples”.
Thursday, March 20, 2014 – CrabNation covers the following headlines: radar reveals what is most likely the wreckage of the lost Malaysian jet; Chinese Christians are 99.9% sure that they have discovered Noah’s Ark; speaking of the big Bible boat, nobody wants to see Russel Crowe play the title Character in “Noah”; Vanna White flips letters to the tune of 4 million a year; the Associated Press is redrawing their official maps per Putin. Finally, If you file a complaint against a Kansas lawman, you could end up in the Grey-Bar Hotel.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014 – On this episode, the Crabs are educated on sainthood. We also cover the following stories: edged out by Burundi and Cuba, the U.S. ranks 22nd in the “Top 25 Countries For Women”; Glenn Beck wakes up barfing; Alabama youth minster has lost count of all the boys he’s diddled. Finally, where in the world is that Malaysian plane?
Tuesday, March 18, 2014 – Ralph Reed stupidly states that it’s too easy for women with children to get a divorce; Vladimir Putin wants what he wants; right-wing religious nut-balls fight for their right to be intolerant; Louie Gohmert, the cartoon character from Texas, states the when Sarah Palin said she could see Russia from Alaska, she was in fact being prescient; Conservative challenger to Lindsey Graham accuses the senator for being “ambiguously gay.”
Monday, March 17, 2014 – It’s the drunk show! We celebrate St. Patrick’s day with many tumblers of Jameson and dance a jig upon these headlines: ding dong Fred Phelps is nearly dead; Los Angeles is treated to a seismic Shamrock Shake; Crimea secedes; WTF happened to that Malaysian jetliner; uzi and knife Rambo wannabe is taken out before he lays waste to a Florida dive bar. Finally, from the U.K., a road is closed due to a missing penis.
Friday, March 14, 2014 – On this Crab-tabular Friday edition, Pat and Ryan deftly dissect the following headlines: Pat Robertson says something incredibly stupid regarding climate change; the miracle of the glowing virgin illuminates dim-wits in Belgium; the GOP really really wants Obama to kill our wacky-tobacky buzz; the search for the Malaysian jetliner continues; Jimmy Carter should check in on Ukrainian elections; Lady GaGa is painted with puke after being spit-roasted – li-trally. Finally, CrabNation faces a trivia challenge about creatures.
Thursday, March 13, 2014 – Pat wishes Ryan a happy f*ckin’ birthday on this episode of CrabNation. Plus, the Crabs sink their pinchers into these headlines: it seems the missing Malaysian jetliner disappeared “Fantasy Island” style; Pat Robertson continues to mourn Mel Gibson’s banishment from the movie biz; turns out the building that went ka-boom in Harlem was run by a slum lord; landlord hides eleven, ELEVEN cameras in a female tenant’s bathroom; Michigander GOP wants women to purchase rape insurance. Finally, the Voice of CrabNation calls in and explains the musical genre of medical-metal.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014 – CrabNation gets their geek on with a scathing review of Hawkman’s crappy super powers. We also cover these headlines: a school in Washington State forces students to listen to Bieber music if they don’t donate to a charity; Colorado is raking in cash from kush; California allows midwives to perform abortions; Michael Crawford of Phantom Of the Opera fame starred in something called “Condor Man” in 1981; the gas leak that caused a building in Harlem to explode did not originate from Governor Christie’s starfish. Lastly, the Crabs close with the most insane sound bites from Pat Robertson ever.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014 – On today’s show, Pat Robertson stands his ground against a Demon possessing a teenage girl. The following gems our also uncovered: no possibilities are being ruled out in the disappearance of a Malaysian jetliner; teen gal sues ‘rents for the cost of college and grad school; Feinstein fine with NSA surveillance as long it ain’t happening to her. Plus, the Crabs also offer a survival tip: always ask for fresh McNuggets.
Monday, March 10, 2014 – CrabNation kicks off their 5 days a week schedule with following ridic stories: Bieber’s dumb deposition; Chris Angel did not make the Malaysian airliner disappear; CPAC suxs. Finally, the title role in a remake of Little Orphan Annie will not be played by a pasty white redhead girl – cue the stupid racists.
Friday, March 7, 2014 – On this Friday edition of CrabNation, Pat and Ryan crack beers and welcome the weekend with the 5 o’clock whistle. They also flick the buttons on the following hot, sensitive issues: Putin seems to be jonesing for a Third World War; CrabNation officially endorses Bernie Sanders in his Presidential bid; Bieber sells his spread to a Kardashian type; dude forgets to charge his pacemaker and wakes up in a body bag; Miley Cryus can’t remember the lyrics to “Wrecking Ball”; we play the terrible top 5 from the pop charts. Most importantly, we learn that Bob Costa’s pink eye could be the result of a Botox injection gone bad. Hilarious.
Thursday, March 6, 2014 – CrabNation proclaims President Jimmy Carter to be alive and well on this episode, despite what Donald Trump says. We also angrily muse over the following topics: Benghazi is responsible for all the shenanigans in Ukraine according to dandy, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham; Mitch McConnell makes a grand entrance armed with a ridiculous musket; a majority of amateur porn originates from an unbuckled Bible belt; CPAC thugs kick out a group of atheists; Darrell Issa owes Elijah Cummings an apology for behaving like a jerk; my Cheetoh is stroking it. Finally, anybody wanna “Uber their pooper”?
Monday, March 3, 2014 – On Shrove Monday, CrabNation plays the funniest Oscar clip ever starring the wickedly, talented John Travolta, plus we cover these stories: Georgia Governor deals a dick-move to the poor; World War III is served up courtesy of Vladimir “look-at-my-nipples” Putin; Bitcoin – more like Sh*tcoin; oxymoron Rush Limbaugh weighs in heavily upon the Academy Awards; Bill O’Reilly asks two female journalists why they think a broad would be a bad fit for President; Japanese whalers hurl a bamboo spear at Sea Shepherd. Lastly, Ryan walks off the show when Pat plays a Justin Bieber song.