CRABNATION SHOW ARCHIVES
MAY 2014
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CrabNation May 2014:
Friday, May 30, 2014 – CrabNation Friday brings you these hot topics: Shinseki retires due to V.A. scandal that Ben Carson says is a “gift from god” #jerkoff; Fox News ratings are in the crapper; #Murica ain’t the best country if you’re worker bee; porn makes you dumb #shocker; 60% of Canadian teenage dudes are dishonest when it comes to their online whacking habits #hosers; America doesn’t buy Rove’s B.S. about Hilary’s health. Finally, the Crabs engage in a brain battle in the Trivia With Budds segment.
Thursday, May 29, 2014 – CrabNation gives conservatives a swift kick in the sack while covering these stories: Pat Robertson and Rick Santorum join forces in a true orgy of ignorance; Canadians build a memorial to the wrong guy; U.S. pilot gets popped with busted coke balloons in the belly; the Wall Street freagin’ Journal does not believe in science; Boehner doesn’t think he’s qualified to debate climate change #agreed; House Republicans don’t wanna make junior eat his Brussell sprouts. Finally, we give the crabby middle finger to Big Earl’s Bait House and Galley Café AKA Homophobic Huddle House.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014 – On this episode, the Crabs remember Maya Angelou by playing her hit song from the 50’s “Stone Cold Dead In the Market.” Plus we cover these stories: Todd Starnes of gross Fox News declares Chick-fil-A the “Official Chicken Of Jesus”; RWNJ stalwart, Glenn Beck, criticizes the hashtag “Yes To All Women” as man-bashing; “Tom And Jerry” used to be way racist. Finally, #Murica loves guns big-time.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014 – CrabNation Tuesday serves up the following hot news items: Joe the Plumber believes his constitutional rights trump the rights of kids to not be shot; gay parents have brainwaves just like everyone else; pedestrians need to stay out of fragging #Florida; Hispanics are giving the church the cold shoulder; the day after a mass-shooting, a California GOP candidate issues forth a robo-call bragging about his “A rating” from the NRA; Pat Robertson pukes forth creepy relationship advice (we’ve got clips); Finally, we take a stroll through the Museum Of Broken Relationships, which is a real thing.
Monday, May 26, 2014 – CrabNation brings you the following stories on this Memorial Day episode: Fox “expert” speculates that the Santa Barbara gunman was made murderous by suppressing homosexual urges #stupid; after 400 years, a little town in Spain decides to change it’s incredibly racist name; dumb white dude is so alarmed over his black neighbors he might have to start “slitting throats” #Utah. Finally, the biggest story of the news cycle is all about the imminent release of pop legend, Toni Braxton’s memoirs. Apparently the Georgia Music Hall Of Fame inductee believes the sky-god gave her son Autism. Plus we wrap up all the shenanigans involving Pat’s Hollywood birthday celebration.
Friday, May 23, 2014 – On this official birthday party episode, CrabNation honors the existence of Pat whilst covering the following headlines: premature ejaculation is officially defined; Sterling sells Clippers; Rick Perry and Ted Cruz go mano a mano in a “who’s the biggest RWNJ in Texas” contest; Trivia With Budds reveals that neither of the crabs know dick about sitcom siblings; Steve King challenges Chuck Schumer to a duel #hilarious; the top 5 songs in America really blow except one. Finally, Virginia lawmakers refuse to recognize non-monotheist religions #WhatAboutTheWiccans?
Thursday, May 22, 2014 – CrabNation sounds off about the following headlines: New Zealand kitty brings home a bag of weed; snake massage in the Philippines is exactly that #literally; the NRA thinks it’s unethical to figure out how many people are shot every year; pay to pee if you go school in Washington state; Bryan Fisher predicts that a Hillary presidency would be a tremendous “c-block” to Bill.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014 – On this hump day edition, CrabNation learns that in some cases, the wacky-tabacky could be covered by insurance but in Texas, the evil weed can send you to jail forever. We also cover these stories: Louie Gohmert says Obama supports Muslim extremists; Texas law schools extend affirmative action to rich dummies; Christian radio host wants to toss Mexicans out of planes #WWJD. Lastly, Benghazi!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014 – Joined by the Marzullo Sisters for the second half of the show, the Crabs pinch off the following headlines: Pat Sajak picks letters “RWNJ”; Pennsylvania is all systems go for gay marriage; world coffee supply threatened by fungus #sayitaintso; Credit Suisse finally settles massive tax evasion probe #ouch; American Spring not so eternal; Kardashians and poop are equally sympathetic glitter bombing victims; Chipotle makes customers come in without piece. Finally, if the ATM doesn’t satisfy, bone the picnic table to which you’re hand-cuffed.
Monday, May 19, 2014 – CrabNation welcomes the Marzullo Sisters for this Monday episode as we cover the following “oven-mitts-only” news items: Portland, Oregon ceases investing in the gross, big box retailer Walmart; dude suffering from rich, white guy-itis leads cops on a high-speed chase and pleads affluenza; stupid lawmaker compares Planned Parenthood to Nazi death camps; it would’ve been tough to fit the newly discovered Titanosaur on Noah’s Ark #details; Republicans make it a crime to reveal the fracking industry’s special sauce.
Friday, May 16, 2014 – CrabNation’s big Friday show includes the following headlines: the American Spring is zero rather than a hero; police commissioner in New Hampshire calls Obama the “N” word #classy; in Sandy Springs, you need a note from your doc to purchase a sex toy; Rush Limbaugh’s children’s book wins an award #gross; Lindsey Grahm’s RWNJ primary opponent sums up the Civil War by saying the North was like an abusive husband that caused the South to leave. Lastly, guest host Theresa from Chicago sits in and schools us on elections, and the truth behind the hand-picked olives at Subway.
Thursday, May 15, 2014 – CrabNation Thursday brings you the following stories: Operation American Stupid Spring commences; Ken Ham and Pat Robertson square off in a dullard duel; stand-down America – Casey Casem has been located; armed and dangerous RWNJ, Mark Kessler, is back on YouTube. Finally we learn why net neutrality will be the death of the Crabs.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014 – CrabNation covers the following developing stories: porn-hungry Feds on Adult Friend Finder will be the end of us; dude with MERS sits in a waiting room breathing on everything for eight hours; the frogs say we have 500 days to save the planet; condoms for convicts not so easy; Bieber is a boob #duh; Pope would baptize E.T.; Gordon Klingenschmitt points out “chapter and verse” where god says he wants us to have guns #SMH; Governor Otter of Idaho wants to appeal the gay. And let’s not forget that Donald Sterling reminded Anderson Cooper that Magic Johnson has those AIDS.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014 – On CrabNation Tuesday, Pat and Ryan consider Gordon Klingenschmitt’s theory that instead of an apple, Eve partook of the wacky tabacky. We also cover the following: Miley Cyrus vows to take all of her clothes off and sit on a big, giant phallus in the midst of telling off her ex; Hilary could be “damaged goods” according to big, fat, gross Carl Rove; the verbally adept Alec Baldwin goes out on pedals and ends up in cuffs. Lastly, the prom for home-school kids is a total horror scene #shocker.
Monday, May 12, 2014 – CrabNation counteracts a case of the “Mondays” with the following headlines: Donald Sterling summons racist, crocodile tears for Anderson Cooper; chick in Thailand gets bitten by a python in the pooper; NFL player gets “punk’d” by Jesus; Michael Sam gets drafted, gets tongued and gets deal with Visa #AnyGivenSunday.
Friday, May 9, 2014 – CrabNation kicks off the weekend with the following steaming, hot news stories: a Texan student is punished for not reciting the Pledge Of Allegiance; Walmart is getting into the lawyering biz; RNWJ politician types are using Benghazi to raise campaign cash; Las Vegas po-po hosts a “purity event” #creepy; HGTV passes on a show hosted by bigoted brothers; horrible homophobic dude wants a boycott of any NFL team that drafts Micheal Sams. Finally the Crabs, learn all about Batman in the Friday trivia segment.
Thursday, May 8, 2014 – CrabNation reviews the following headlines in this scat-style episode: there’s a serial El Poopacabre on the loose in Texas; the U.N. says 1 billion people still crap outdoors; speaking of excrement, Brian Fisher rationalizes criminalizing homosexuality; Michele Bachmann opposes the National Women’s History Museum. Finally, at what lengths would you go to convince your pregnant teenage daughter to have an abortion?
Tuesday, May 6, 2014 – CrabNation deems climate change to be for realz on this Tuesday episode. Plus, the Crabs cover the following stories: Pat’s hometown, Chicago, is dubbed the funniest city in #Murica; it takes a pair of yah-yahs to make reading interesting; Kirk Cameron says something stupid; the U.S. is helping Nigeria recover the schoolgirls taken by terrorists. Finally, who knew female bread winners were a bad thing?
Monday, May 5, 2014 – The Crabs rage over the following ridic headlines: Polio is making a comeback #FML; SCOTUS says it’s totally cool to take a knee before government meetings; atheist dude runs for congress in Arizona #goodluck; Young Turks broadcaster is Benghazi’d out. Finally, should big, fat, ugly, racist Donald Sterling be forced to sell the Clippers?
Friday, May 2, 2014 – CrabNation deftly dissects the following headlines on this Friday episode: Pat Robertson refers to Atheists as pigs #oink; store owner gets death threats because he wants to sell smart guns; Alabama Supreme Court Justice says that the “god of the holy scriptures” created us #scary; SD GOP, Steve Hickey believes your third input is a “one way alley for the garbage truck”; the top five pop songs in #murica don’t totally sux. Finally, Benghazi!
Thursday, May 1, 2014 – CrabNation busts out the following headlines: Rob Ford is getting sober #boring; atheists in Florida can’t seem to get their monument erected; conservative jerk-off, Coach Dave claims #Murica is a theocracy; Pornhub is planting trees for Arbor Day; Mississippi is giving the hook to women’s health; there’s in-fighting betwixt the in-breeders at the Bundy Ranch. Finally, a two-pincher Crabby salute to Jennifer Lawrence for un-seating Mila Kunis as FHM’s hottest chick.