The Trump inauguration was only covered through the printed word and social media posts on this dark day for America and for the CrabDiving Network. Shitler’s inaugural speech, at a certain point, nearly matched the speech from Batman super villain Bane from “The Dark Knight Rises.” Trumpalo spindoctor Kellyanne Conway was clad in an insane revolutionary war get-up for the coronation of The Donald. Nazis and white national media popped torrid racist boners for Twitler today, including an angry, pale stiff from KKK luminary David Duke. Reality show contestant Jackie Evancho performed a rather uninspired version of our anthem. Many more Americans showed up for Obama’s inauguration than for crowning of the orange a-hole face. Trump minion Roger Stone is under investigation for Russian election shenanigans. The jewelry line of FLOTUS is now advertised on the White House website. GOP heavies reminded us Russia is not our friend. Germany announced the Trump administration is already making them nervous. The Salt Lake Tribune had an “ah-ha moment” in regards to the Satanic Temple’s afterschool programs. The Cabinet picks of Cheeto fingers were found to be sincere threats to the separation of church and state. Highlights Magazine became way-progressive by including same-sex parents in their content, but yet an anti-gay pastor compared the periodical to Isis.
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